I had a lovely chat with a librarian today. We were discussing many things, but did get around to trauma. How many people have trauma; how no one’s trauma is worse than another’s trauma. It’s all just trauma.
No matter what you have been through, I want to make you aware that you are not alone. Someone out there, probably someone you least expect, shares your pain, if not your exact experience. Trauma is horrible. It is, by it’s very nature, traumatic.
Maybe you had a traumatic childhood. Maybe you were abused. Maybe you had a lovely childhood and then you married an abuser, as I did. Maybe he charmed everyone into thinking that you were insane, gaslighting you into questioning your own mental capabilities.
No matter what it was, you can overcome it, or if not yet, you will. Maybe you feel like you have no strength left. Maybe you can’t imagine ever getting over it. I was in your shoes.
First, I thought, this is all I’ve every known, from childhood on. I married someone who seemed wonderful. I should have known, but I didn’t. I should have seen the pattern. I didn’t see it clearly and then I believed I could love him so much that he would change. Young and stupid.
I tried to leave. Really I did. But then I had to consider my kids. I couldn’t leave them behind. I would rather die. So, finally, in the end, it was my children that foresaw the death of my marriage, but my rebirth. I couldn’t stay. I just couldn’t. Not to have them grow up under his dictatorial and evil rule.
I couldn’t do it anymore. For many, many years I had suffered, asking God for reprieve. Finally, one night, it was the final straw. He came home drunk, again, claiming that the wine he had was for me, though it was already half gone, and he tried to finish the rest. That night he threw Child #1 against our metal front door, as she tried to intervene after Child #2 kicked him in the only place she could think to and he went for her. The night he pulled me off the couch after I had just come home from a nursing home after my hip was shattered and my kneecap cracked in half, and smacked me so hard that my glasses flew off my face and punched me in the stomach for good measure. The night I began to live.
So, you see, I hear you. I see you and I’ve been there. There is no excuse for traumatizing another person. Absolutely not. It is unacceptable and God sees all! And with that, I am able to turn it over to Him. I can move on and truly begin to live!