I visited my mom today. If you have been a follower of my blog for long, you know that we have had a tempestuous relationship with my extended family, since I kicked my now-ex-husband out of my house over four years ago. She took his side, ignoring the fact that he was terribly abusive to us and had, in fact committed many felonies. Right. Nice guy. So, for that reason, I didn’t talk to her for a few years. I couldn’t believe that, not only would she refuse to believe that St. David could possibly do any wrong, but also that she threw us away by taking his side. She knowingly threw us away.
What on earth could convince a mother to throw away her child and grandchildren? One charming man. Because abusers are always charming, aren’t they? It’s how they hide their dark side! I’ve seen it my whole life. My dad was one. My husband was one. Is there a reason I avoid charming men? You bet! I’ll run for the hills before I’ll go for another charming man.
Well, we got on the subject of my first child, who refuses to talk to me. I have no idea what the problem is, as I will continually and unconditionally love this child forever. There is no way to make me stop, and believe me, they’ve tried. I happen to mention that child #1 was not speaking to me and how much that hurt my feelings. My mother, of course, had to get in a dig about how she knows how that feels. I almost lost it. There is a big difference in not talking to the one person who is supposed to show you unconditional love, and doesn’t, and who makes it glaringly obvious by housing said abusive husband and providing for him, than one like me, who unconditionally loves all her children, no matter their problems, and who would never, ever throw them away.
I was just baffled by her! Unreal. As always, I’m wrong and she’s right. And then it hit me. She has to get in these little digs, because it makes her the wronged party; the martyr. Either that or it makes her right. Either way, she wins, and I’m once again the loser. I remember thinking, years ago, how I could never win with my family. I was always wrong, always at fault, always stupid. Yup. They put the “fun” in dysfunctional! Still that way. Except now, I refuse to play the game.
I refuse to be unhappy and waiting on them to tell me how great I am before I believe it! I’m awesome! God loves me exactly as I am, and so do my children (despite child #1 having issues right now.) So, screw it! I’m not going to worry about what anyone but God thinks, and He thinks I’m pretty great. I agree!!!