Letting Go of Hate

Posted byRitaPosted inAdvice, mental health, WritingsTags:, , , , , ,
I choose forgiveness.  I choose love.

As most of you know, I have an abusive ex-husband.  I struggle daily with forgiveness and love for this individual.  In my opinion, he doesn’t deserve it.  Pure and simple.  If it had just been his horrible treatment of me, maybe I could let it go.  It wasn’t.  He hurt our children.  Not one or two, but all four.  Deeply.  So deeply that I don’t think some will ever be ok.  How do you forgive that?

Then I went to Mass this morning. We heard about forgiveness, a common theme.  I don’t hold grudges.  Or do I?  Father Hugh’s homily left me convicted.  I was guilty.

I had been confident that I had turned my abuser over to God a long time ago.  He’s God’s problem now, I liked to say.  But was this true?  Wasn’t he still my problem?

Didn’t I just want to send him flying less than a week ago? 😔

Wasn’t I still running from him?  Scared to ever put down my real address and not the P.O. Box I rented to avoid having anyone know where exactly I was?  Didn’t I flinch every time someone raised his voice or made a loud noise? Didn’t I start in shock every time I thought I saw him?  How was that forgiveness?

Now, I’m not going to be stupid about it.  I will still keep watch for myself and my family, but I am done otherwise.  I will be proactive and take some self-defense classes.  Not for him.  For me and this dangerous world in which we live.

I will start praying for him more regularly, because, after all, he too is God’s beloved child.  My judgement of him has no place anymore in my life.  I would not want to be judged harshly by God as I have judged him. 

His mistakes were many and very harmful, but what gives me the right to hold it against him for the rest of my life?  Will it give me that time back?  Will it take back the abuse?  Will it heal me?  No.  It will only prolong it.  It will fester inside of me, and in my children, if I can’t show them a better way; a holier way.  Only God can heal me.  I want to take those steps with Him.

Maybe someday, David will also take those steps with God.  That is my hope and my prayer.

Do you have anything of which you are holding onto?  What do you want on your soul at the judgement?  Would God be pleased with you?  Go forgive seventy times seven!

Published by Rita

I am a single mother, a Christian, a writer, an abuse survivor, a reader, and a friend. I've wanted to be a writer my entire life and now here I am!

7 thoughts on “Letting Go of Hate”

  1. I agree that forgiveness is very important to our inner healing and peace, however I disagree that hiding you address or being unwilling to expose yourself to him AGAIN is a sign of a lack of forgiveness! This is how many pastors and churches tend to perpetuate domestic violence.

    Forgiveness of past actions doesn’t give a carte-blanche to keep committing hurtful acts. It is simply wisdom to discern what a negative situation or person is likely to do and to stay away from it. If the perpetrator hasn’t changed, then it is unwise to leave oneself open to future abuse.

    I think that is ultimately the litmus test: has the person changed? Not just to say they have, but have they really changed?

    If we get bitten by a rattlesnake, we may forgive the snake, but will we get close to it again? The smart person says “No!” The nature of the snake is to bite, just as the nature of the abuser is to hurt. Wisdom is what we learn when we have been bitten by either, and we learn to keep a healthy distance.

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    1. I agree. Just because I forgive and pray for said person, does not mean I want him in my life. Absolutely not. I just refuse to carry more weight from him than I already have. I will still shield us from him, but I will no longer hate.

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  3. I think when we hold on to things it’s us who is ultimately held back by that. Forgiveness frees us. I have been holding on to a lot of stuff but I’m trying my best to heal those old wounds and move on.

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    1. I feel like forgiveness is such a process. We think it’s over and then we get behind it on a motorcycle and want to run it off the road! Oops! Not forgiven! In praying for David wholeheartedly, as in a novena, I feel as if I can finally let go of all the pain and suffering and finally free both me and my kids. His life is none of my business!

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      1. It’s true, those old wounds are hard to heal. We don’t always move on even when we think we have. Glad you’re trying to move past that part of your life though.

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