The Rope’s End

End of the rope

Swinging, swinging

From the Rope’s End

Just a little more

Let go.

It can’t hurt more than it already does.

Too much pain!

Too much suffering!

Only the evil really thrive!

Where is He?

Just. Let. Me. Go.

As you may or may not know, our family has been going through many tough times. We are currently homeless, seeking options, and finding no solutions, even temporary ones.

I just finished a talk with the great depressor, who told me, basically, what a loser I am and how nothing is ever going to work out for me. Thank you, mother.

So, I am sitting here in tears, wondering where God is in all of this. If He doesn’t give us more than we can handle, then what the hell? Pulling in front of a speeding vehicle just sounds better and better. What good am I to anyone?

I’m so tired of struggling while my evil ex gets off scott free. Do you know what the court did? After he has been screwing me on child support for about three months or so, they just tacked on another $50/month – that’s right, you did not misread it – $50 per month, otherwise known as $12.50 per week! to his payment. What? At this rate, he’ll be paying for his oops for the next three years!

Why is it that evil flourishes in this cock-eyed world? Where is the love? Where is God? How is it that there is so much suffering for the good?

Please, people, if you care about me at all, send me your love and prayers. I am in a really dark place. I feel there is no where to go. I know God loves me, but I can’t find Him here. Where are you, God? Please help me!

Published by Rita

I am a single mother, a Christian, a writer, an abuse survivor, a reader, and a friend. I've wanted to be a writer my entire life and now here I am!

6 thoughts on “The Rope’s End

  1. Hang in dear Rita! Sending love and prayers!

    Look at removing and reducing the people in your life who are toxic and addi g to your depression.

    Years ago I had to cut off communication with my mother. She’s a sadist who twists the knife when someone is hurting. She contributed to my anxieties and depression in a big way, I’d lime to lay the blame entirely at her feet, but I probably already had the disposition for it.

    A huge part of my own issues I discovered was that I was repeating to myself all the terrible things that had been said to me, and with the skills I had learned from her, I twisted the knife in my psyche to hurt myself more.

    In a flash one day I realized that I needed to teach myself to like myself. I realized that my self-loathing was creating self-sabotage, without even realizing it, because I had internalized all the negativity.

    As I started the very uncomfortable exercises to teach myself to like myself (I actually wanted to tolerate myself), I discovered that the old lies gradually slipped away and the strength God wanted me to have was laying there under all that negative rubble.

    God loves you. The Universe loves you. The Angels love you. They want you to know that!

    They want you to develop that love into first liking yourself.

    When we develop this love inside of ourselves, abusers see it, and the things that used to trigger us, the buttons they push, are just no longer there!

    I hope you will visit my Brain Rewiring post, for it exains this process!

    Today is a new start. Remember Maya Angelou’s quote “When I know better, I do better. ”

    Start today by simply choosing to suspend all negative judgment of yourself!

    I believe in you! You have a fighting spirit, and you will move past this time. It’s not a punishment. I care about you and your family too!

    Like

  2. Thanks, Tamara. I know I am stronger than all of this crud, but it hurts so much that the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally is so broken that she can’t be kind at the very least! I’m working on it. Life is a journey and I’m not finished yet.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I totally understand. My mother did that to me too. She was my primary abuser. I felt betrayed by her. Only when I heard that “damaged people hurt others, healthy people don’t”, did I start to understand how it could happen.

    Once I understood that she’s damaged and would continue to hurt me, because that was her area of comfort in life, could I set up boundaries for myself.

    I told her that if she does or says anything hurtful that I’d leave or hang up, but if she was respectful I’d continue talking.

    Then I had to follow through, which was hard because she knew exactly which buttons to press. She made me feel that I was nothing without her so removing her from my life was very difficult. The first couple (or few) times I folded very easily. I kept giving myself pep talks, and gradually built up the nerve to stand up to her, but for myself.

    I found that I felt much better about my life and myself when she wasn’t in my life daily, even weekly.

    If someone affects you so negatively, you have a right to keep them at arms length.

    Part of my problem asan adult was the church that I was in. They kept sending me back to her, telling me that I needed to be a good Christian. This is where Christianity and churches do women wrong: they send us right back to our abusers to get more of the same treatment, instead of supporting us.

    I became healthy as an individual and a better mother when I set strict boundaries with her and stuck to them.

    Setting healthy boundaries with friends and family is a very important step in our healing.

    Also learning to love and care for ourselves is an important step, because when we do this for ourselves, we are no longer turning to others for the approval we crave but never received. When we see our worthiness as people, we see our abusers were wrong about us.

    Remember that those who suffer the most have so much to share, with so many. Your sufferings aren’t there to punish you, at all.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I receive almost daily positive messages in my Inbox from TUT.com, “Messages from the Universe”. I can’t tell you how many times something comes in that I needed to hear or to think about.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Rita, I’m sorry to hear of these challenges. My prayer for you.

    Dear Father God, thank you for making Rita in your likeness and image. You know her needs. I pray you will meet her daily needs physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Amen

    Like

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