Not Enough

Do you ever want more of something? Clothes, shoes, cars, food, etc.? Have you ever felt like you’re not enough? It’s not true. Everyone is a child of God and everyone is enough. But do we ever feel like maybe we’re not?

I grew up in a family of four with a mother, father, and two children, both sisters. I was the youngest, and you would think the favorite. You would be wrong. I have been “picked on” (read bullied) for my entire life. It wasn’t all from other children, either. Nope. My family got in on the act too. Oh, but if you ask them, I was always just too sensitive!

I remember being a little girl in pj’s waiting for my dad to come in and kiss my sister and me goodnight. What does he say when he walks in? “My gosh! Look at those legs – they’re like ham hocks!” What? In fact, my legs are rather nice. They are not overly large and I certainly do not carry ham hocks around. In fact, I have my dad’s legs!

Comments like this were common. I was always heavier than my older sister. Yeah. I had celiac disease. She didn’t. That didn’t matter to dad, though, or even mom, and definitely not my sister. What the kids at school didn’t destroy, one of my family would.

So, today, some cousins I hadn’t seen in years visited at my mom’s house for lunch. Children #’s 2, 3, and 4 and I went. The cousins were very nice. My mother, not so much. She made a point of telling everyone how, as a child, I would lie on the floor (not enough room for everyone on the couch) and pass gas! I had celiac disease and couldn’t digest food properly hence the gas, but we didn’t know that! Here I am, forty years later, forced to defend myself! Seriously?

I ended up coming home and being depressed. Will I ever be enough for them? Who says I have to please them? Do I really care? This is part of the reason we don’t see them much. Who wants to feel like crap? I don’t.

I know I’m enough. God loves me. I am His beloved child. So what if my brother in law is also writing a book? Who cares if my sister is slim? What difference does it make if her kids are so smart that they make even moderately bright children look stupid? Does that matter to God? I don’t believe so. He just wants us to love one another as He has loved us. I find it hard to do when I am being constantly put down.

Did anyone say that the brother-in-law’s book will be so much more awesome than mine? Nope. Did my sister say that I could never be as slim as she? Nope again, although there was the “I’m working on it,” comment that could be interpreted that I don’t. It’s just my conditioning after spending so many years in that family to think the worst. They are not a happy or really a functional one.

Even my girls were appalled at the treatment. Child #3, for all of her issues, picked up right away on the fact that what my mother said would hurt my feelings. Now, if she gets it, and we all know how many problems she has, why can’t my mother and sister? I hope that I only build my girls up. I never want to be in the position of tearing anyone down!

I’ll just have to go on trying to love them, despite their faults. I don’t even think they realize they are doing it. After all, it’s kind of a habit. I need to make loving them unreservedly one of mine. And probably limit the time I spend with them too!