Mourning the Dream

“Wherever you go I will go, wherever you lodge I will lodge, Your people will be my people, and your God, my God.” – Ruth 1:16

Today I took child #2 Black Friday shopping. We didn’t get up at the crack of dawn or anything, as in years past. There weren’t that many good deals that we could afford, so we decided to go at the more reasonable hour of 8 a.m. We got the batteries that I needed (yay!) It was a good trip. We had fun.

We did, however, go to a store that often has religious-themed signs. We found a sign with a quote from the book of Ruth. It said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “Wherever you go, I will go.” I said to child #2, “The rest of that quote is ‘Wherever you lodge, I will lodge. Your people will be my people and your God shall be my God.'” That was part of our wedding. I started to cry.

Even though I know exactly how horrible he was, and that what he did was completely unacceptable, I still mourn. I mourn for the should-have-beens; could-have-beens; for the life I should have had with a loving husband and father; for the dreams that died the first time he laid a hand on me and on the children. The stranger he became, who I no longer knew, or wanted to. What about our happily ever after?

My friend tells me there’s no such thing; that books and movies lie to us. Some days I believe him, and yet…there are some people who have good marriages. I know two. That doesn’t seem like much, with all the people I know, but at least I know they exist. They are not like unicorns or fairies (sorry to burst your bubble!!!) So, why not me? I know, because I married a sociopath, an abuser, a narcissistic, son of a so-and-so! Someone who has set child #3 back so far, I don’t know if she’ll ever recover! Was he always this way? Research tells me yes, but I never saw it. All I saw was this charming man. How naive was I?

So, excuse me while I shed a tear for my shattered dreams. I mourn for what could have been; what should have been; but wasn’t. I know, though, that God is always there for me and for my kiddos. No matter what we’ve been through, He will always be there for us. I just wish He’d send me an angel. So I will mourn, but I will also move on, older and wiser.