Losing J. to Find Her

Yesterday I drove over ten hours. It was an exhausting trip. Way up north we traveled, children #’s 2, 3, 4, and I. We were going for child #3. This particular child has had a terribly difficult time lately, but really for most of her life. From the time she was little, her father was in her face screaming at her, hitting her. She could never do anything right. Child #1 was a wonderful musician, smart, and beautiful. Child #2 was smart and beautiful too. Child #4 was kind, beautiful, and the baby. Child #3 was just a no one, at least in her own eyes. In mine, she was and is a beautiful, talented, funny, smart child, who has locked herself down and will not let any of her talents show, so there to prove that she is no one special.

This went on for many years until finally I kicked my now ex-husband and all the kids’ father out and started to help them and me heal. It was at this point J. started really acting out and cutting herself. She felt safe to finally be herself. She has so very much pain inside that she doesn’t know how to heal. She has rejected God, though she now states that she is no longer an atheist, but rather an agnostic. It’s a start.

She becomes extremely violent when asked to help with just about anything and tends to hit me and her siblings. The police are familiar with her and our family, firstly because of her father, and now because of her. So, frequently we host a police officer or two. So charming!

This has been going on for over two years. She has been hospitalized for cutting, suicide attempts, and beating us. My ex used to beat us all, so that is where she learned it. I am so very tired of the run around with the mental health care in our country. It’s terribly sad and I generally feel that I am standing in the middle of a field screaming and no one can hear me. It’s the most powerless and hopeless feeling in the world. This is my child, my baby. How could this be happening? How could the mental health industry fail my baby so spectacularly? Is this happening to other children in other places in our country?

So, my trip…it was long, but with a purpose. I took her up to a treatment center for help. She thought it would be more like a camp, and I think after the COVID clearance, it will be. She is not happy. In fact, she called tonight, begging me to get her out. I refused. I know this is for her own good, but it is so hard to hear her pleading voice and to stay strong. Yeah. I’m such a horrible meanie!!!

This is just one of those times that I have to do something for her own good. I hate when I have to do that. It’s difficult, but necessary. Isn’t single parenting fun?

Where is the ex-husband and father in all of this, you ask? Well, to be honest, he is not allowed to see the children. He is allowed, once a year, to send each of them a birthday card, since they have the ability to open it or not. If their therapists ever think they are ready to see him, they will facilitate that. Honestly, after all the abuse, I can’t imagine any of them wanting to see him ever again. And that is all I’m going to say about it.

So I dropped her off and left her to hopefully find her again. To find that sweet, smart, beautiful, funny, talented girl that I miss so very much. Please get well, dear. Soon and come back to us. We are praying for you.

Published by Rita

I am a single mother, a Christian, a writer, an abuse survivor, a reader, and a friend. I've wanted to be a writer my entire life and now here I am!

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